HOW TO STOP YOURSELF FROM FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG PERSON
I am a diehard romantic, nothing could take the romance out of my soul, I always said this but last couple years I have falling in love with wrong kind of people and it has certainly dimmed my romantic quotient and made me doubt myself. I love love and everything associated to it but I have been finding people who don’t really need this level of love and affection and attachment. Having said that they are wonderful human beings, and we were compatible in many ways, but they were not right for me. Was it their fault? NO. Was it mine? NO. I am not looking to place the blame here on myself or them, but finally I got fed up and decided to delve deeper into it. It is time consuming to fall in love and even more so to fall out, for me at least, so I can no longer take this lightly. Maybe this article will not make sense to you at all, but I trust there are other people like me, and I wish to share my findings about the blunders I am making myself and steps I am taking to ensure that we all can get out of this gut wrenching, soul shattering cycle once and for all. So, let us dive in straightway, we have wasted enough time as is.
1) First you heal completely: I had become an anxious attacher because of my one big, failed relationship. It took me a couple years to realize this, but that one big relationship fallout turned me into a mess. I was a secure attacher before that, but after that fallout which surprised my soul out of my body, I had become anxious and avoidant at the same time. if someone comes to me too quickly, I become avoidant and if they avoid me, I become anxious. So basically, I needed to heal big time and not fall in love immediately after, which is what I did, the wrong one of course. (just human ). I do have some avoidant signs, but mostly I thought this person will leave me too, so I clung on with my dear life or at the first sign of something off I ran away. First of all, you have to realize that any fallouts that have happened in your life, you are not responsible for them. It did not work out because it wasn’t meant to be and how that person acted is totally up to them. Even when you a pile of mess, a secure attacher will not abandon you. I will never abandon anyone if I love them, I will work it through.
Always remember it is never your mistake, even if you are anxious, its still okay. You just need to find the one who understands your needs of reassurance, and if he/she cannot he/she is wrong for you.
NOTE: (Kindly read more about attachment styles from the book Attached, by DR. AMIR LEVINE and RACHEL HELLER, it also helps to navigate your current relationships)
2) Become secure and complete on your own : This might sound rhetorical but you have to fall in love with yourself so hard this time that nothing can shake you out of this self love. If you are seeking someone else to love you and complete you and make you feel secure, you will find someone exactly like you and unfortunately in this case half and half will not make a whole. At the risk of sounding repetitive please become happy on your own first, it is no one else’s responsibility. When you actually become secure, you don’t make wrong decisions, you see things clearly in comparison to when you are just desperately looking for someone.
3) Stay away from Games unless you wish to play them: Well for me I loved playing games and mostly I won, but look where it got me. I totally get the thrill and adventure associated with it, but the cat-mouse chase in a relationship is really unhealthy, so I would advice against it. Be clear even if it results in rejection, I refuse to play games anymore. It is overall futile and tiring and once the games fizzle out, it’s a different ball game altogether. You don’t need to make anyone jealous or insecure to like you, they will like you anyway. And playing games is a huge red sign of emotional immaturity and ego play.
4) Have a really good support system: Friends, colleagues, family, give them your love till you find someone else who is deserving of all the love you have to give. In my view there are days I have which are so full of love, my relationship status is least of my concerns. What goes around comes around? Start by giving out unconditional love to people around you and you will experience the same. Also take any decisions with your support system rather than sans them, you will never go wrong.
5) Stop creating deadlines for yourself: This is love not your weighing scale. You cannot make a new year resolution that by this Valentines I shall find love and by this year end I will be married. It will happen when it has to, at least the right kind. Be ready and open but it is not a task on your to do list. Even if it happens a year later but you find the right person, its still a win- win. Till then make other resolutions.
6) Take your time this time: The Biggest sign of avoidant is we are dreaming of that perfect person who will come in our life and it will be all roses. When we are in a relationship, we are still dreaming of that person. Even when they get what they want in a relationship, suddenly there are at a loss and they don’t know what they want. All good relationships are real, messy and need a bit of work. Get out of that fantasy space and next time you meet someone you like, see if you can make it work, take your time and give them time and space. Sudden declarations of love from any side, please run … this time running is allowed.
I can go on and on, but I have set these ground rules for myself and hope they help you too. Falling in love is a great feeling but I hope you do it without the crash and burn this time. Wishing you lots of love from me always.